Stingrays, not so much.

The funny thing about the sub-header is that it raises more questions than it answers.  Like how an undead canoe can break into a jail to assault some guy with kids?  That’s one bad-ass, foul-mouthed watercraft.

“Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are.”

How I wonder what you are?  Wait.  Aren’t you a star? Didn’t we establish that in the first line?  I’m confused.

Is that it sits in front of this building:

 Which just happens to be the Princess Alexandra HOSPITAL.

Not the kind of place where wheelchair access is important?  I am thinking they could have used that footpath material somewhere else.  I dunno, maybe on some STAIRS???

Let’s first look at the ‘F1-Inspired Hilux Concept’ recently unveiled in the UK.

It’s difficult to tell but the F1 car is on the left. The similarity, however, is uncanny - what with the red and white paint… and four wheels… and Toyota badge?

Don’t think that the Toyota advertisers stopped there.  They obviously went to the engineers and got a thorough insight into the inspiration for their entire product line.  They then discarded the truth of “we just based it on last years model” and came up with something more exciting.

Here are (apparently) the three biggest influences on the design of the new Toyota Aurion according to their TV ads:

1. The 3rd fin (Thruster) on a surfboard.

 “Like Thruster, we’ve combined control and power for better performance”
Good to know for next time you are surfing your Aurion at Byron.

 2. Big Bertha Golf Club

 “Like Bertha, we added more power without using any more energy”
Like Bertha we achieved this by making the Aurion big, chunky and ugly.

3. The “Superbike” (actually bicycle and not that super)

“Like the Superbike, our improved efficiency means far better performance”
We did this by installing pedals for the occupants to use.

The funny thing about these “inspirations” is that I can’t quite see it in the Aurion?  Maybe they will make it more obvious in the 2009 model - of which I have managed to score an exclusive picture: 

See the colour of the umbrella?  You know what that means - this model is “F1-inspired”!!!!  Oh, what a feeling. Toyota.

It is pretty much a box.  Actually not pretty much, it is.. a box.  It does do some techno stuff however allowing you to plug in a hard drive to increase your usable porn storage.

Easy to advertise right?  Just point out how many giga-cycle, mega-doobs it has and throw in some techno babble that will have your average Harvey Norman buyer chomping at the bit to part with their cash. 

‘No, no, no’ said Laser advertising guy, I want to emphasise the DESIGN.

The result is this box:

The three main advertising points?
1. Orange trim
- cos orange goes with everything.
2. Comes with stand
- you mean I don’t have to just stand it on one of those flat edges all ghetto-style???
and 3.  Wait for it…
“Streamline, sleek design”

It’s a rectangle??  With square, flat edges?? There are not too many designs that are less ’streamline’ or ’sleek’.  (That fat chick who won Australian Idol does come to mind though). 

Fortunately the guys decided to end their work-day there as I would hate to see what imaginative words they would have come up with to describe the stand:

“The work-experience kid suggested ’scrotum-like’”
“…”
“I got nothing, let’s go with that.  See you at the pub?”

Hint: the answer is ‘a beard’ and ‘a love for America’ respectively.

‘What is it?’ I hear you ask with eager anticipation. Well I’ll tell you.
It’s a letter from Telstra advertising their new bill layout. Using buzzwords like ’streamlined’ and ‘new-look’ to invoke an excitement about having a bill that no longer includes itemised calling.  Vintage Telstra. ‘Hey, we’re giving you less and here’s why’: the environment. Yes, that good old excuse now being rolled out by companies who realise ‘cost-cutting’ and ‘cheaper for us’ just don’t cut it.

Here’s an idea Telstra: if you really care about the environment how about NOT mailing 2 pieces of paper to every customer in a separate envelope…

The letter goes on to say that “once you start receiving your new-look bills, if you need a printed statement of all itemised calls, you can also call us and we’ll mail it to you“.  So now you can get *2* bills in *2* envelopes each month.  Why don’t you just burn the trees Telstra?  It would be faster.

You can also go on-line and fill in a form to change back to your original detailed bill.  The form does ask you a reason for the change and at this point I would encourage customers to ignore the ‘Need detailed bill to claim expenses‘ and ‘Prefer detailed paper bill‘ options and instead select ‘Other‘, then type in the reason “I hate trees” just to see if Telstra honours your right to discriminate against flora.

The majority of people have one feeling in their body stronger than that of environmental compassion.  I am, of course, referring to laziness.  Telstra realises this and does the next best thing - don’t want to save the environment?  How about winning some crap?  Change over to their electronic billing (which will save all those trees that Telstra has to print their 50c stamps on) and you are in the draw for a Seven Wonders of Australia trip.

The funny thing about the picture they use to advertise the trip is, last time I checked, Andrew Daddo was not one of the Seven Wonders of Australia.

He’d be number 10 max…

Those with too much time on their hands would know that RoHS refers to the Restriction of Hazardous Substances Directive that was introduced recently to eliminate harmful substances (like mercury) from manufactured products, especially tech goods. You would think that having this massive banner at the head of their homepage would put it under some kind of proofreader’s eye. Obviously not. The jury is still out as to what exactly the message is they are trying to get across.

The funny thing about ‘green’ products is sometimes they don’t target their audience particularly well.  Your average tech product buyer just wants the cheapest part for their electricity-guzzling computer.  They couldnt care less about how much lead is in their super-dooper video card, as long as it means they can surf faster porn.  Next time you go into Harvey Norman ask the ’customer service representative’ behind the counter if the 52″ plasma on display is RoHS.  You will be met with a blank stare.  Of course at Harvey Norman you could probably point to said TV and ask ‘Is this a TV?’ and be met with the same blank ignorant stare.

Audience targetting, however, is not always successful.  Take, for instance, the hippy sector.  These people are most likely to buy organic or recycled products by the truckload - the exception, of course, is soap as everyone knows hippies don’t wash.  The one flaw that brings the whole plan down?  Hippies don’t have any money either.

One audience that has been tapped successfully in the past by unorthodox products is the beer-drinking public.  Years ago ‘low-carb’ beers would have been scoffed at by your typical aussie bloke.  But now they realise that they can show females they are concerned about looking after themselves and that they are a sensitive new age guy whilst drinking beer.  Like they needed an excuse before.

But is the average beer-drinker concerned about the environment?  Cascade seems to think so by releasing a ‘Green Beer’.  Not the kind that you buy on Paddy’s day but one that is ‘fully carbon offset’ from manufacture to disposal.  (It’s not clear from the advertising if they have taken into account methane-excretion by the user.)  Despite their well-intentioned goal, i.e. selling more beer, I couldn’t help but notice an error in their advertising material:

Shouldn’t it read “Beer of an Earth”???